My Secret to a Happy Marriage and More...

While I've been on maternity leave, I've been sharing a bunch of guest posts from some lovely readers and contributors. (Many thanks again to all of you who have volunteered your stories!)

I'll be back to regular posting next week!

But until then, I thought it was a fitting time to share a guest post of my own that I recently did on the blog Ever After Blueprint. Andrea interviewed me about my marriage (which you all know I've detailed in-depth in my Secrets of a Newlywed series, which provides a look at some of the most important lessons I've learned through my first years as a wife, as well as my Our Love Story series, which details how my husband and I met).

Here's a sneak peek at that a couple of questions I answered in that interview:

What was one of your biggest challenges the first few months of marriage?
While there were quite a few challenges, I would say that for me, personally, many of them boiled down to having to let go of my selfishness as well as learning to truly trust my husband and his love for me. In that last regard, it took me awhile to realize how sincerely he did love me and how he really was willing to put me before himself. I knew the Bible called for that, but I don't think I actually expected that. What a pleasant surprise! When I finally let down my guard and trusted that, even if he does hurt my feelings, it always was from a place of love, our marriage became much easier, richer and lovelier.

What have you learned since you’ve been married?
I've learned a lot! So much so that I wrote an entire series about some of the lessons I've learned, titled Secrets of a Newlywed. But if I had to pick just one of those lessons, it would be Get Used to Saying I'm Sorry. As I wrote in that post: "Apologizing is one of those things that none of us at any age enjoys to do. It takes humility to say, I was wrong. It takes us being willing to think of another to say, I was wrong. It takes courage to admit, I was wrong. And yet, with that courage, humility and selflessness comes restoration…" I think that goes back to the previous question where I said one of the first things I had to learn in marriage was selflessness, and part of that was embracing the humility to apologize.

What's your secret to a happy marriage?
Listen to the Holy Spirit. Period. And invite him to convict and trust Him enough to act on those convictions. I sincerely believe that the reason my husband and I enjoy a wonderful marriage is because we trust the Lord enough to follow Him, even when it means apologizing or choosing not to complain or whatever the situation might call for. The Lord wants the best for our marriage even more than we do–so we must trust Him with it!

Pop over and read the complete interview (including what I consider to be the best part of being married and what I wish I would have known before tying the knot). Thanks so much for the interview, Andrea!

Related Posts
Our Love Story: How My Husband and I Met, Fell in Love, and Lived Happily Ever After
Secrets of a Newlywed

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Sponsored Post: The Latest from Your Publix Grocery Store

As you well know, there's always some sale going on at Publix, and right now they're hosting one of my favorites: their "Running Out? Run In" sales event. Which of course, is exactly what my life feels like right now: No time to spare!

Now through May 22nd, you can pop into Publix to take advantage of great savings on some of your favorite brands from General Mills and Procter & Gamble, like Cascadian Farm, Charmin, Crest—a variety of products for all your household needs to stock up on! Plus, if you buy $30 of participating items, you can mail in to receive a $10 Publix® gift card to use on your next shopping trip! (For more details on this rebate, please visit www.runningoutrunin.com.)

And, while you're there, you can also pick up a new product from Yoplait that's on sale: Greek 100 Yogurt. It has 100 calories (a great, slim-down option as we approach summertime and swimsuit season!) and comes in flavors including Black Cherry, Lemon, Mixed Berry, Peach, Tropical, as well as my favorite standbys, Vanilla and Strawberry. Through the end of the month, Yoplait's Greek 100 Yogurt is only $1 each at Publix, so you can add that to your shopping list as well!

The information and a gift card to sample the sales were provided by General Mills and Publix® through MyBlogSpark.

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Deserted Islands and Sanctification in Marriage / GUEST POST

A GUEST POST BY MELISSA OF GRACEFULLY FALLING DOWN

Chris and I have been watching Lost on Netflix recently. The other night one of us made a comment about how living on a deserted island has a way of flushing out all your flaws.

Well, if that's the case, then I think marriage is like living on a deserted island.

Can I get an Amen??

I'm sure I've said this before, but I feel like marriage is like having someone hold up a mirror to you, revealing all your flaws and imperfections. Some days it feels like one of those fun house mirrors where everything looks distorted and crazy, and some days the lighting is just a little more flattering.

Before we were married, I felt like I was a pretty good girlfriend (and then a good fiance) A catch really. And then my pride was horribly trampled on by the truth of my selfishness. Oooohhh. My selfishness.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to claim that I'm a horrible person, or a horrible wife. Thankfully I have a very encouraging husband who tells me the opposite everyday. What I am saying is that once my focus changed from self serving, to serving my husband and our relationship as well, I realized just how self serving I was in the first place. And to be completely honest? I'm running out of patience with myself.

I can't even count the amount of times that I've been confronted by my own selfishness in the past year. The amount of times that I have thought only of myself when making plans with friends, or have offered up the use of our home without asking Chris if he's ok with it. On a smaller scale, little things like he complains of a sore back and I don't offer to rub it, or he talks about how tired he is, and I don't offer to make dinner. These might be things that sound a little extreme, but they are things he does for me on a constant basis. Why on earth can't I reciprocate?? Even just the thoughts in my head that I quickly try to silence are getting on my nerves. "Why don't YOU do it?" "Can't you figure that out on your own? I don't feel like it."

I feel like I am constantly being stretched, challenged and asked to do more. Not by my husband. Oh no, this challenge comes from a much more important place. See, I believe that marriage is one of the biggest ways that God sanctifies us.

* "Christianese" alert! * Sanctification is a big old fancy word that describes how God makes us more holy. This process is never ending as He leads us and calls us to act more Christ-like in everything we do. This brings us closer to Him, and allows us to have a deeper relationship with Him.

So what I am attempting to explore then, is how God is using my husband to reveal my flaws to me; not in an attempt to condemn me or make me feel guilty, but instead in an attempt to draw me closer to Him. The reason why this is so possible in marriage is because it is a relationship that is unique and unlike any other we will have. Not only am I close to him in proximity (living together) but we are closer emotionally and spiritually than any other relationship I could possibly have. The key in this relationship is vulnerability.

I have let him in to the parts of me closed off to everyone else. He knows me, but more importantly knows why I am me; what has shaped my character, and why my personality is what it is. To know someone so intimately is a gift that is given from pure trust in the other person. It is this vulnerability that causes me to show all that I am to my husband. I don't hold anything back for fear of him not accepting me. I know he does- I am not scared that he will be unsatisfied with what I offer.

Now to pause: This type of relationship, while unique in a person to person sense, is not unique at all when you discover it's roots. This type of relationship- something that we all long for and search for, is something that God offers us freely. I would argue that the reason why we all long for such intimacy is because the Lord created us with that very desire. He asks that we seek Him in this way. Marriage is just a mirror of how this greater relationship already exists.

And so He is able to use the way that we offer ourselves to our spouse as a way to have us offer even more to Him. Each time we fight our selfishness, pride, and many other flaws in an attempt to serve our spouse better, we are rewarded by moving closer to our Holy Father's desire for our lives.

So as much as the growing pains can get on my nerves because I hate having my flaws thrown in my face, I am blessed by the experience. So very blessed that each time I am reminded how unperfect I am, I am also reminded how accepting my husband, and more importantly my Lord and Savior are of me. I am literally brought to my knees by the thought that these moments bring me closer to God than any other because it is this tough work of sanctification that mold me into a better daughter of the King.

Melissa is a twentysomethin recently married gal that among other things enjoys the chilly air and gorgeous leaves of autumn, delicious food, tattoos, and the satisfaction of cleaning something really dirty. (A bit of a nut!) She has a heart for women to know their worth in Christ, and a passion for all marriages to not only succeed, but be exceptional. She blogs at Gracefully Falling Down.

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An Honest Look Back at The First Year of Marriage / GUEST POST

A GUEST POST BY JORDY OF JORDY LIZ BLOGS

I think that when we look back on our first year of marriage from here on out, we're going to think to ourselves, "Thanks be to God, we made it."

Yes, there were a lot of great, romantic, lovely, wonderful moments. But yes, there were also a lot of uncomfortable, serious, mean, relationship-altering moments.

We have taken in a lot this first year of marriage. We were still getting to know each other and finding things out about the other person that sometimes we really didn't like. We were still trying to learn one another's heart and what makes them tick and then in the low times, using those things against one another. We had only known each other for nine months when we began our married journey and if I can be candid, we questioned if those nine months were enough. If maybe we should have waited longer or if this was even the right decision in the first place.

The first few months were good. We were settling in and making his home our home. We were unpacking boxes and gifts and getting settled into a routine that worked for both of us. We were in the clouds of newlywededness and married bliss and romance and the surreal life.

And then, months seven through ten came along. Months seven through ten were rough. I think they were more rough on me than him, because he is just plain more go-with-the-flow than I am. I feel everything. Physically and mentally, I feel every little feeling of pain, hurt, betrayal, you name it. I struggled big time in those four months and looking back, I don't ever want to go back to that.

I struggled with doubts. Was this where my life was supposed to be? Was this the man I was supposed to marry? Was this what God wanted for me, us?

I struggled with not being in the single circle anymore. Almost all of my friends here are single and I felt like I didn't fit in. At all. I didn't know how to relate anymore and I so desperately wanted to relate. I didn't know how to blend my married life with their single life, so I just stopped trying.

I struggled with loneliness. Big time loneliness. I felt isolated from friends and felt like I wasn't included in anything anymore. I leaned on Chris to make me feel not lonely and then when he failed, I turned against him. I started getting very homesick and there were nights where I just wanted to pack up and leave town to get to a familiar place.

I struggled with the picture I thought marriage was supposed to be. I wanted to be wooed and pursued and talked to with the sweetest selection of words. Instead, there were bills to be paid and dinners to be cooked and our lives still had to continue to be lived with our jobs and commitments. There was little time for the rest of it and I was desperate for all of it.

There were fights. Slammed doors (my bad habit as my parents can attest to). Stomps up and down the stairs. Yelling. Choice words. Tears. Lots of tears. Questions. Doubts.

But.

But.

The fights led to us stopping and quieting ourselves and our hearts to dig down deep to the root of why were fighting in the first place. We learned the ins and outs of the other's heart so that we could learn to tread more carefully the next time.

The slammed doors opened up new doors of communication and how we could better tell the other person how we were really feeling. Truth is, the slammed door is how I sometimes felt - like a door was being slammed in my face.

The yelling and choice words were deemed unnecessary when we learned how to talk to one another the way the other person needed to be talked to. I need lots of affirmation. He needs lots of affirmation as well, but with a tone of respect.

The tears (95% mine) were cleansing. It's amazing that as tears come out, so do words. Words that have been wedged so deep in the crevices of our hearts because we don't know how to make sense of them. Tears seem to piece them all together sometimes.

The questions were slowly answered.

The doubts were slowly turned into reassurances.

Months eleven and twelve saw a new beginning with new communication and new ways of showing the other person that we are in this for-e-ver. We were committed from day one, and we never intended to end what we started. But in those dark moments, doubts and lies and questions would creep up and try to steal it away from us.

I don't wish that we would have had to get all the way down to nothing for us to experience what we were meant to all along. I don't wish for the fights and nights of tears. But, they happened and I can't erase those ugly moments.

I can, however, look back and see how God has swept us off of our shaking feet and lifted us into something wonderful. Something that has been wonderful from the very beginning; we just haven't had the clear eyes to notice. I can now look back on this past year and see how God has taught our desperate hearts to see what He created marriage to be. A union, a servanthood, a vision of His love for us.

It truly can only go up from here, and I can't wait.

Jordy says, "I blog about life, faith and marriage over at Jordy Liz Blogs. I was born and raised in Texas, but now live in the deserts of Arizona with my husband, dog, and soon-to-be baby. By day, I work in an office, and by night, I'm a blogger and freelance editor. Come visit!"

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God is the Reason We Got Married | GUEST POST

A GUEST POST BY STEPHANIE OF UNCOVERING HOPE

People have had a lot of opinions about me getting married in my early twenties. They don’t seem to understand… they say we rushed or just give me a look like I was crazy to marry someone within a year and a half. Without God, it isn’t going to make sense; I don’t expect it to.

God is the only reason why we got married.

It is all by Him and for Him and made possible through Him. Marriage is a symbol. A symbol of the deep, meaningful relationship of Christ and His Church. The church (not the building, but the actual members of the body of Christ which makes up THE church of Jesus Christ) loves Jesus and we submit to Jesus and do what He would have us to do with our lives. It is the same for wives and husbands. Wives submit to a loving husband who would give up his life for her. Christ died for us, and our husbands should love us in the same way. Sacrifice on both sides is necessary… putting others before yourself is vital. This is God’s will for us. Age in and of itself is not a determining factor of marital success.

I read an article on RelevantMagazine.com (a popular Christian-view on relevant things in culture right now) and there was an article that was talking about age and marital success. It gave examples of studies that have been done on couples who married at very different ages and it concluded that the age was not a major factor in marital success. Success has to do more with levels of commitment and personal maturity. Now I’m sure you know of those older folks who act like they are 12 and then there are some young adults who have wisdom that far exceeds some older adults. This is personal maturity. The Relevant article quotes: “There's certainly something to be said for going through those challenges with the person you love by your side. Having the mindset that everything in life has to be in order before getting married can mean missing out on the fact that marriage is often crucial in helping people mature.”

If God is in the center, your marriage will not be shaken.

On a personal note, I have had very different responses from people when they hear I am married. Today, I am younger than the average person to get married, yet back in the day couples would get married much younger. Age is such a huge factor today and I think it is focused in on too much and people raise their eyebrows at young married couples (with no legitimate reasons to back them up as to why they are judging others by their standards). The reason I got married was that I found a man who loves the Lord and he helps me with my faith and vice versa and to give glory to God through our marriage.

I’ve seen my parent’s marriage fail and his parent’s marriage succeed. My parents were older when they were married, his were younger. Age obviously, in this case, wasn’t the issue. God was the determining factor that his parent’s marriage has lasted. My parents did not have God in their marriage. And no, I don’t think there are any solid guarantees to any decision we make because we are human. We all make mistakes. We all fail. But God is our rock and our center. Leaning on Him in all we do can heal anything—even a marriage.

Stephanie says: "I’m 23 and married to biggest blessing in my life—Peter. We both work full time and stay busy with his band, A New Awakening. My passion is to spread God’s truth and love to those around me. In my (barely there) free time, I love to experiment with new recipes and to soak up good books. I’m an outgoing introvert (yes, there is such a thing!) and I am fascinated by psychology. I’m still trying to understand what God has in store for my future, but I’m holding on to the fact that He is faithful and there’s a wonderful plan for my life. You can read more about this little life journey of mine at Uncovering Hope."

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Beyond "Harlem Shake" Christianity / GUEST POST

A GUEST POST BY CHADWICK OF DIFFERENTPARENT.COM

Here's hoping that not long from now, people may stumble upon the words of this post's title and ask themselves, "What is he even talking about?" A world with less of the YouTube madness that started back in February this year, would be a healthier one. But I couldn't let the moment come and go, without asking how such a thing could help us in our awareness of God.

The current "Harlem Shake" movement seems accidentally based on a very simplistic idea: 1. make it easy to do, 2. about getting positive attention, and 3. make it look fun, and you'll get a lot of other people wanting to do the same thing. The guys responsible for "starting" the movement, "Filthy Frank" and his friends never intended for millions of people to get caught up in it becoming a "thing"...and by February 12th was even saying he was ready for it to move on. They'd simply made a silly video, and 10 days later it was being copied by people all around the world.

I remember being in East Harlem back around 2001, and having kids try to teach me how to "Harlem Shake." I'm definitely not qualified for such a thing...but it was fun nevertheless. I can't imagine they're excited about this phony movement making people think they know how to "Harlem Shake" simply by thrashing around in costumes/loud music.

But I'm not really worried about the people of Harlem getting all upset that the youtube fixation (that's hopefully dead by the time you read this) has usurped their role as shakers. What I'm more concerned about, is the same elements that sky-rocketed this little video/performance by Filthy Frank, are what we often depend on to sell the gospel message:

1. Make it easy to do/simple. We hear phrases all the time: "Invite Jesus into your heart, and you're done!", "It's as simple as that!", "now you're ready for Heaven!" or boil down an entire Word of God into a distilled phrase of truth that you can fit into your pocket, a prayer that you memorize, and a box you check at the altar. But any Christian parent would agree: we don't want our children to remember the moment they "checked a box", we want them to remember how Jesus has transformed their lives. That's not easy, and takes much longer than a single moment with a #2 pencil. So we make our homes places where we are daily opening the Word of God. We wrap our lives around the Truths of His Word, and living as families of Kingdom citizens here and now. We confess to each other when we're struggling, and depend on God's Spirit to be our helper - because we NEED one.

2. Make it about getting positive attention/feedback. In a world of Hallmark endings and prosperity gospels, it doesn't take long to find followers of Jesus who will tell you - if you're following Jesus right, everything will work out for you. You'll be blessed, your family will all be healthy and in love with Jesus, and whenever you have a need - it'll be awesome to see how God will always come through to fill it. We love these promises, but the hard truth is - if we're following Jesus for these reasons, the object of our worship is actually "Self". As parents, we need to share not only the highs of following Jesus together as a family, but the struggles as well. To be appropriately honest with them, and have faith that even though it may NOT look like it in our world/lifetime, we know that Jesus IS still Lord. We look up from our tears with them, and together gaze into the future promises of God to complete what He began in Christ, and make all things New.

3. Make it look fun. In the "actual" Harlem Shake, there's a set way of doing things. 5 people standing side by side, all doing the dance will look very similar. In the current "movement", the only requirement seems to be chaos. But everyone's got a giant smile slapped on their goofy looking faces, even if it's covered by a mask. The goal is not to accomplish anything, or even look a certain way...the goal is simply to have fun, and get hits on youtube. Unfortunately, it's also a theme picked up by genuine-hearted followers of Jesus as they try to get the next generations connected to what God is doing. I'm not against VBS craziness, or playing silly youth group games at times. But what I am against, is when the "fun" becomes central, and "knowing/following Jesus" becomes a side-issue. To pull a giant "bait & switch" with our kids/teens will end up with young adults who wonder why youth group stopped after 12th grade, and decide to leave a church that doesn't "offer anything for me". We want to raise our children with an appreciation for an abundant life, deeply rich and satisfying in relationship with Jesus, others, and creation; and contributing to His "making all things New". Not simply to be an "a-mused" (not-think), and consuming force.

It may not win any awards for trending...but it will transform lives and the cosmos...:)

Chadwick Anderson is a husband, father of 4 girls, youth pastor, and freelance writer/speaker/etc. in Illinois. He loves God, and attempts to live in response to that in new ways every day. Currently, he and his family are working to bring home their 4th daughter from the DRC in Africa. To learn more, check out http://www.differentparent.com today!

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